If you die, I'll kill you, Tomato Bastard!
by ColonelSexypants
Summary: Romano walks in to Spain's house to see quite the sight... The tomato bastard is lying there in a pool of his own blood... Spain wasn't allowed to die. There would be no more decent tomatoes around. -Stupidity, language, Spamano if you squint.


**-Sometimes, when I am still awake at three in the morning and I'm talking to my curtains (a daily occurrence) my brain goes funny places and comes up with stupid stuff... like this. I really don't expect anyone to like it, but I'd enjoy reviews anyway. :D **

**-Mostly pure stupidity, and a little hint of Spamano at the end. Rated mostly for Romano's mouth. ^^"**

**xxxxxx**

Romano nearly had a heart attack when he walked into Spain's house to find the tomato bastard lying flat on the ground in a pool of red liquid, limbs sprawled out all over the place and face squished against the white tiles of the floor. For a moment he stood there gawking, and then he freaked out and screeched at the top of his lungs.

"Hey! Hey! Spain!" Despite his personality and how much he sometimes hated the Spaniard's annoying affection and constant hugs, he _kind of_ didn't want him to die, 'cause... well, 'cause Spain grew some freaking amazing tomatoes. Romano loved tomatoes. And Spain. But only because Spain grew tomatoes all the time. Actually, it smelt a lot like tomatoes right now. Now he wanted some. Ugh, stupid possibly-dead-annoying tomato bastard, this was all his fault.

"Oi, Tomato Bastard. Are you dead?" Romano demanded, shaking the still body and trying not to slip and fall on his face on the (what he assumed was) blood on the kitchen floor. "Bastard. Antonio? Spain? Hey. Hey!"

"Ughhh shut upp..."

Romano didn't hear the muted moan and kept poking Spain's cheek. "Bastard?"

Spain groaned. "'Lovino, is that you?"

"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK!" Romano screeched before he realized that Spain wasn't a zombie, well if he was, he looked damned good, seeing as how he wasn't all rotting and falling apart and such. Not that he was insinuating Spain was attractive... "Bastard! What happened to you?"

"Oh..." Spain's voice was weak and he kind of sounded like he was dying, which kind of worried Romano, a lot. Spain wasn't allowed to die. There would be no more decent tomatoes around.

"What?" Romano growled in frustration.

"I was outside collecting tomatoes, like usual, you know?"

"Uh-huh?"

"And then I came inside with a bunch of them in my arms—"

"Yeah?"

"—And I wanted to chop some of them so you could make some spaghetti, since I've been craving that like a pregnant woman for like weeks, so I grabbed a knife—"

Romano made a sound of horror. "Knife?" he demanded, staring at the blood on the ground. There were chunks too, little red squishy things lying around Spain's stained red body. Insides... Did insides look like that? Oh... oh, oh... Romano felt sick.

Spain kept talking in his weak voice. "I... I tripped, and—"

Romano's hazel eyes were like dinnerplates. "Toni..."

"The knife... Can you get it out? It's stuck..."

At that, Romano flipped. "HOLY SHIT! THE KNIFE IS STUCK IN YOU? I need to bring you to the hospital—_merda_! Wait! Before you die, can you tell me how to make tomatoes grow properly?"

Spain's green eyes were confused. "Wha?" he asked bleakly, his tanned face looking a bit pale. Romano was completely losing it. Spain was totally going to die! He was all out of breath and his life blood was all over the floor and staining Romano's hands and—_Not good, not good!_ Tomatoes... Spain... tomatoes... _Antonio_... oh, crap, Romano was going to throw up.

"You can't die, you bastard!" Romano cried.

"Die?" Spain repeated blankly.

"YEAH!" Romano yelled. "The knife is IN YOUR STOMACH!Look at all this blood—_idiota_!"

Spain laughed and Romano made a face of absolute horror. "Why are you laughing? You can't die! Then you won't be able to grow tomatoes anymore! And I'll miss you!" He realized what he'd just said and flushed, hastily correcting himself. "I'll miss _hitting_ you and yelling at you and getting mad at you for being such a clingy perverted clingy touchy-feely _idiota_ tomato bastard and I'll miss you touching my hair curl and me slapping you and trying to kill you and you making me do stupid things for you all the time and you being cute and just generally annoying!" he blabbered out all in one breath. he blushed darkly, crossing his arms in his usual pissed-off way, not liking the huge grin on the Spaniard's face at all. "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? _TU SEI STUPIDO!_"

Spain was full on laughing his butt off now. "'Lovi, I'm not going to die!"

Romano paused. "Huh?"

"I'm just glad you finally admitted you love me too, _mi amor_!"

"Don't call me that and I never said that!" Romano seethed. "Wait," he said suddenly, what Spain told him fully dawning on him, "what do you mean? The knife..."

"It's stuck in the cupboard."

"...Eh?"

Romano looked, and there it was; the handle sticking out of the door, the blade sheathed deep inside the polished brown wood. He looked back down at the red pooling around Spain, his eye twitching. "...So..."

"Ah. I dropped all the tomatoes, you see."

"...You dropped the tomatoes."

"Yeah, I landed all on them and they're all squished up now. What a waste, huh?" Spain laughed lightly, not noticing the look of utter embarrassment on Romano's face. "_Soy idiota, yo s__é__." _

"...So... that's tomato juice..." No wonder it smelt like a bunch of tomatoes had gone and decided to have wild passionate tomato sex all over the kitchen... "And not blood?"

Spain laughed again, sitting up. His shirt was stained red and it was all over his face and in his hair but he didn't seem to care. He was grinning as he watched the pieces slowly click together in Romano's head. "It's not blood, OK?" Hr grinned even wider and approached Romano's red, perplexed face, making their noses touch. "Want to taste and see for yourself?"

Romano turned even redder than the color of the juice on Spain's face and jerked away, punching the laughing brunet in the face, screaming as he fled down the hallway in the direction of the front door.

"STUPID PERVERTED TOMATO BASTARD! I HATE YOU!"

Spain sighed happily, idly licking at the juice on his caramel-coloured arm. "Love you too, Lovi."

xxxxx

**-...See? I'm a freak. :O Well, please review? :D Don't just favourite, leave me some comments toooooo! I like to know what readers think. Was it stupid? Haha yeah I know it was. (:**


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